Sneak Peak - Understanding what you want and how to get it

Getting the Results You want from Others

WHAT ARE YOU AIMING FOR?

Win/lose situations

Win/lose situations are everywhere. Every day we observe companies and even couples battling away in court in what only can result in a win/lose situation. Most people recognise that mediation would have been better as even the winner often loses in terms of costs. We are competitive by nature and competing with and defeating an opponent is the most widely publicised aspect of a good deal of our sports and recreation. It is likely therefore that we think that we should engage in win/lose situations at work. Wrong! It is the most time consuming, physically and emotionally draining experience. This book is about how to use your influencing skills to avoid the pain of win/lose.

The language of business is dotted with win/lose terms. One wins a promotion or beats the competition. Although we do recognise co-operative effort and collaboration, it seems that we tend to emphasise healthy competition.

In an environment that seems to stress winning, it is no wonder that competitive behaviour persists even where it is not appropriate. Imagine any meeting where the members have to make a decision that affects all of them, members interrupt each other to introduce their own ideas; proposals are made which are ignored and generally people end up being frustrated.

If you watch one of these meetings carefully you will observe people generally not listening to each other because they were thinking of their own ways to state a case. They were interrupting to get a point out before the speaker clinched the sale of his or her idea. In these ways they were acting as competing individuals rather than a collaborating group. They had started out to reach the best decision, but had slipped into a win/lose contest. Very often the original purpose is completely overshadowed by the struggle to win. In the end no-one successfully influenced the others.

What happens with the win/lose situation?

Win/lose situations can poison interpersonal relations and the organisations effectiveness. Suppose a husband loses an argument with his wife so that they go to a function that he did not wish to attend. He can retaliate by being sullen or obnoxious. He has turned a win/lose situation into an ordeal where both partners are miserable. Often win/lose victories become losses for both parties. This has been termed a lose/lose result.

Here is a list of fourteen problems, which may arise from win/lose confrontations. They are not in any particular order, nor are they comprehensive.

Win/Lose may:

1. Divert time and energy from the main issue
2. Delay decisions
3. Create deadlocks
4. Drive unassertive committee members to the sidelines
5. Interfere with listening
6. Obstruct exploration of more alternatives
7. Decrease or destroy sensitivity
8. Cause members to drop out or resign from committees
9. Arouse anger that disrupts a meeting
10. Interfere with empathy
11. Leave losers resentful
12. Incline underdogs to sabotage
13. Provoke personal abuse
14. Cause defensiveness.

Adjusting win/lose

Since win/lose events will undoubtedly be experienced by all of us at some time, it is important to know how to cope with them. Since the predominant trend of win/lose contests is toward lose/lose outcomes, it becomes a matter of redirecting them toward win/win results. In a win/win situation everyone comes out on top.

It is extremely difficult for one person alone to re-orient a win/lose. You are likely to be treated as a third party in the scrap or you may have both adversaries turn on you. It is important to try to get the people fighting to realise that they will probably gain very little. Winners always leave resentful people behind and those people can be very destructive.

So how can you turn things around and start to influence the situation. Here are a number of points to consider:

Have clear goals, understood and agreed upon. Use the goals to test whether issues are relevant or not
Be on the lookout for win/lose. It can develop subtly. If you feel under attack, or feel yourself lining up support, you are likely to be in a win/lose situation
Listen emphatically to others. Stop yourself from working on counter-arguments while another person is speaking. Take the risk of being persuaded. Try the other persons reasoning on for size
Avoid absolute statements that leave no room for modification
I think this is the way ... is better than This is THE ONLY way ...
If you are planning for others, provide some means for their involvement. The doers should feel that they could have influence on decisions that affect them
Try to make decisions by consensus rather than by victory or the majority
Test to see that trade-offs and compromises are truly accepted by all
Draw a continuum line and have members place themselves on it regarding the issue. It often occurs that the different sides are not too far apart
Be alert to selling or winning strategies in others, and avoid using them yourself. Any intelligent person can see the advantages... would be a danger signal.

Again this list is not exhaustive, but may provide the beginnings of a more productive relationship. The key idea in adjusting win/lose is to strive for what is best for all rather than trying to get your way.

If you would like to find out more about our range of work related books, please contact one of our team on 01279 311492 or email: info@acadenyofleanring.co.uk